Havn't been here for pretty long I guess... almost 6 months if we exclude that short post that I recently posted. A's are finally over. Almost everyone is enjoying the boundless freedom, everyone, except me I guess. Didn't have much feeling towards A's, nothing at all. My entire exam was entrusted to God because I believe that only he can help me work a miracle :) Although my situation for A's really seems quite bleak, but I believe that this only triggers more faith towards God. Looking back at my entire academic journey, from Primary School till now, God has really played the biggest role while I just followed his plans. One grave mistake that I've never ever learned from throughout my academic journey thus far would be complacency. No one can ever imagine how powerful a single word is. The word which I've obstinately stuck onto myself for the past 11 years has deprived me of good grades, recognition from parents and teachers, as well as my dream schools. Of course, this word is not alone. Along with this word is its partner called 'regret'. A word which I detest and yet have failed to shake off for the past 11 years, as long as I held 'complacency' close to me, 'regret' never seemed to be far away. And so, I've learned that with 'complacency' comes 'regret'. They're a couple, so faithful and true to their words. As always, I hugged complacency tightly for A's. Illogically, my hardworking level has been declining since Primary School. Reminiscing my Primary School days, I still can't imagine that was me back then, immersed in my pile of books, determined to get all my A stars... in the end, the complacent me didn't really study for PSLE because I had gotten brilliant results for Prelims. I still remember my exact words to my dad days before PSLE started, when I wanted a discman and he said he'll only buy it for me upon receiving good results for PSLE. I told him "Huh? 255 only? I'm aiming for at least 265. 265 sure no problem..." My dad did buy me the discman after I said those reassuring words and I was just so full of myself back then. Thank God I had managed to pester my dad to buy me the discman before PSLE as I would never have gotten it when my results were released... Recalling the day I received my results, my heart was palpitating furiously. I had all these overwhelming high expectations of myself... it was as if success was within my reach...up until I opened up my result slip. 3 digits of regret stared blankly at me, reality dealt me a huge blow. I was stumped. For a good one hour, I was suppressing the tears that constantly welled up in my eyes. Back home, when my dad asked how my results were, I couldn't hold my tears any longer. Stomping up the stairs, I ran to my bed and cried in my pillow for about an hour. Swollen and teary-eyed, I had to face another round of lashings from my dad. Life for me is like that. Expectations only come after the results are taken. During my study or exam period, my dad wouldn't give two hoots about my study progress, he doesn't even know when my exams are, he only expects good results after my exams. Perhaps I'm his results-producing machine... he always had high hopes of me, partly because I was deemed intelligent by all my relatives, be they maternal or paternal. Just during A'lvl period this year, my dad gave me another round of lecture during dinner. He reprimanded me for not putting in enough effort for my A's. He said, "It's very bad, even worse than your O'levels! You didn't even put in any effort at all!" Guilt-stricken, I admitted to that silently, while he continued blabbering about how his side of the family consists of only professionals, implying that my future career can only be one which is universally recognised as a professional one. When I told him that I wanted to be a pilot and that my A'lvl results didn't really matter if I wanted to become a pilot, I think I bruised his ego. He went on saying in a harsh and aloof tone that being a pilot was not easy and I may not even be able to make it. I agreed to his point and replied that because I know his occupation is tough and harder to qualify for, thus leading to my choice of an alternative career path of aerospace engineering as a backup plan. What hurt me most was not his scolding of my insufficient effort for A's, but the fact that he even compared me with my cousin and said that if my cousin could get less than 10 points for O's, why couldn't I? I rebutted by saying how could he compare as her subject combination was less demanding than mine and that he shouldn't compare me with others. This further proves my point that I'm being seen as a results-producing machine.Anyway, all is over. Whatever my results are next year, I believe they will be good because God only gives his children the best. Even though things may not turn out the way we want them to be, it's just God's plan for giving us the best things in life. Post A's has been meaningless for me and I don't really feel any happiness or have much emotion at all. Although prom is next Tuesday, I'm also not really looking forward to it. Even clay shooting didn't really appeal to me. I've lost all my emotions. I'm really a stone- emotionless and cold. Living life as the days go by right now.... Applying for a couple of jobs and signing up for driving test on Monday haha. Looking forward to Shooting chalet though. That's all for now. All my readers' eyes must be really tired by now =x Enjoy your holidays everyone, no matter how long or short they may be. God bless! :)