I'm being crushed under a multitude of emotions and I feel as if I'm about to buckle under all the immense pressure. I am aware that I do not feel right at all. At this present moment, I just feel that my life is in a mess and certain situations are definitely driving me further into oppression. I'm just really tormented by everything that is happening now, the way things don't seem to work out for me, but who have I to blame but myself? I'm the root cause of everything and I don't have the right to blame anyone or anything but myself. That truth just sinks me deeper into depression and I don't know if I can ever climb out of this abyss. Prelims are drawing near, too close for me to catch a breather. I'm intoxicated and I'm on the verge of insanity. Looking at updated countdowns to the A'lvls just intensifies my current state. Deep down inside there's this suppressed drive to motivate me to study but somehow I'm unable to unleash it. One part of me wishes to perform well academically and cause less worry to my tutors, parents, friends and of course myself. It's my life, my future. It affects ME, not others, ME. If others can show even more concern towards MY studies than I do, shouldn't I be thoroughly ashamed of myself if I do not even have the courteousy to reciprocate their actions? Sometimes I just feel like giving up, maybe to just quit school or find some way to end my life. Yes, I am suicidal. Shocked? Surprised? This is ME, the extremist. I can be extremely optimistic at one point and extremely pessimistic at another point. What truly triggered my urge to blog would be the letter that I've just received from school. It's the one whereby we had to write ourselves a letter containing our goals and the actions we would take to achieve them. Besides my self-written letter was a letter from our Principal, a note from our Year Head and more significantly, a post card written by my CT. I feel like typing out the whole letter she had written but I figured it wouldn't be too nice as after all, it is a personalised letter. I was just truly overwhelmed as throughout her entire letter, I could really sense her disappointment towards my lack of self-motivation and nonchalance. Her last and also the most encouraging sentence almost sent me in tears. Here goes, "Being the excellent shooter that you are, start aiming. I want a bull's eye, can?" At that point in time, I truly almost broke down. That sentence, although simple and short, summed up all the remaining hope she had in me to perform well and that also showed her care and concern towards me, how much she actually cares about me to be able to understand where my passions lie. I sincerely pray that the Lord will see me through my studies, to give me the strength to carry on, as well as for my other friends- my shooters, my classmates, my close freinds and other fellow SRJcians whom I may not personally know. "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)", this Josh Groban song is really inspiring so all those who need a source of inspiration may go listen to this song and those who want the song can come and look for me haha. Here's wishing all J2s a marvellous Prelims and an A'lvls that we can all breeze through. I've just come up with this phrase, 'dreams do not coincide with reality'. If you wish to dream, to set yourself a seemingly unattainable goal, do not place any "realistic boundaries" in it or you'll never be able to achieve your dream. I hereby urge all of you to take up the challenge and start dreaming today :)